A place to record all of the above.
A place to record all of the above.
"It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me, and I'm feelin' good!" Thank you Nina Simone for the lyrics. It does feel like a new chapter in my life. All of the recent experiences I have been going through have been HUGE blessings! As freakin' uncomfortable as they have been, I am grateful for each and every experience. AND....Now that I have experienced them, I don't need to go through them again...right?!?!?!?
I am finding myself still feeling extra - sensitive and quite vulnerable. However, I am also feeling that I have reached the crest of this wave, I stood up on my surf board and I am ready for the ride! I don't feel like I am getting pummeled by wave after wave anymore. WOO!HOO! Will another wave come? Oh probably, but I think I am gearing up towards my spring break. ( It's gonna be awesome if that is the case!)
There are residual feelings and emotions that I am expressing. I am allowing myself to feel all of them. Some of them are quite uncomfortable. In ways I feel like I have regressed. How I used to beat myself up with the negative head trash is rearing it's ugly head. What is unclear is that was it (the old patterns) always still there and I have been stripped away of all of the layers that was hiding it? Or is this a new form of consciousness that I have developed? Yep. Feel free to call me on the analyzing shit! 'Cause that's what I am doing right now! Sheesh. HA! HA! HA! It truly doesn't matter. The fact that I am conscious of it happening is the important aspect right now. I can consciously make the choice to use the tools that I have to help me shift the head trash into loving talk. Even that can be challenging. I know I have mentioned that before. The chatter gets more subtle, nicer. It can also just take you off the rails and you become unconscious to a certain portion of what you are saying to yourself.
*Start Extreme Openness*
The chatter has taken me to new levels of what I affectionately call the crazies. Highly intelligent conscious beings don't do well with idle time. At least that is what is starting to occur with me. I was reflecting on, as kids, our parents give us constructive things to do (so we aren't destructive) and allow our creativity and imagination to come out in the process. That is someone else instructing us. So what happens as we get older and we have to find constructive things for ourselves to do? I can tell you what happens to me. My mind starts to turn on me. Starts either nitpicking me and potentially nitpicking others. Very destructive behavior!
The crazies have been off the charts. It has ranged from having a "hangover" of guilt that I said too many negative things at a going away party, to taking a test to see if I have Asberger's. It also turned from reading up on the symptoms of being a narcissist to see if I am one and being down right embarrassed of me. Yes. You have read all of that correctly. Off the rails beating myself up. One rational thought did come into my head. The very fact that I am questioning is a good thing and if I was at one point any of those things than I am awake to it now and I could take steps to change the situation.
*End Extreme Openness*
What has come to me just now as I am typing is this; I am not fully using my gifts right now. They way I was before is probably only a fraction of how I said I wanted to share them when I agreed to come into this human experience. This is why it feels like a new chapter. I don't know how its going to look and show up yet. Maybe it is through my writing, speaking, singing, hands-on work, distance work, or a culmination of all of it. Maybe it will show up completely different. I am working on having the patience to ride this wave on my surfboard. To have the patience and TRUST. The hardest part is to let go of how I would like it to look and show up. I feel sadness with the letting go. Do I hold onto what I saw when I was a little girl? That I will be on a stage in front of a stadium full of people? Do I hold that vision since I was definitely in tune with that when I was a kid and not worry about the how? I like the sound of that. Do I let that go too?
As always, more questions. In the mean time until that comes to pass, I will ask and listen for something I can be constructive at so I don't become destructive to myself. Of course I will work on how to love myself deeper and more completely. No matter who we are, we can show deeper love and it first starts with us....AND...I will work with choosing to acknowledge the crazies and change the self defeating thought patterns.
Until next time...
This is where I put the things that the Divine wants me to share at this time. :-)
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