A place to record all of the above.
A place to record all of the above.
I love those two words. Shift Happens. HA! They have a multitude of meanings. I will probably touch on more than one of the meanings in this post. Again, this is probably going to be a pretty vulnerable post. If you have been reading any of my threads, you will realize that the majority of my posts are open and fairly exposed. If you are a person that has trouble allowing yourself to be open and vulnerable, may you find the strength and courage to do so.(Maybe reading these will help you find the courageous bone that I know is in there!)
Shift happens. This can happen whether we consciously make the shift or not. The next day after writing my last post, I made a conscious shift. It came with a statement. I was finished for now focusing (maybe more like obsessing) on my relationships, except for one of the most important relationships. My relationship with me. I am ready to focus on my business and most importantly, my BIG purpose and role of being here on the planet at this time. When I declared this, another shift occurred with it.
The shift came with my relationship with my husband. (Funny how a shift came with a relationship when I said I was finished with focusing on them for now.) As a matter of fact, I am still feeling pretty raw and exposed with the shift. I admitted to myself that I had put up walls around my heart as a guard in different areas in our relationship. Yep. Me. The one who professes Love in all forms. I also purport that no matter who we are...we can love ourselves deeper, without conditions, which in turn gives us the freedom to love others without the conditions. What this awareness has really shown me was where I have been putting up walls to my own love.
I shared my insights with him reguarding our relationship. It was one of the most profound and enlightening conversations we have ever had up to this point in our entire 14 years together. Will there be many more deep and powerful talks? It sure does feel like it. And WOW. My reaction after the conversation was wild. I had the chance to be by myself after we talked. There were definite and obvious shifts in my being.
I could feel transformation within my cells on all levels. Emotionally I felt like I was completely open, exposed and vulnerable. I cried tears of release along with tears of the innocence that I am. I felt that if a bomb would drop in our relationship, he would tell me to pound sand, or he would die in a freak traffic accident, I would feel that pain to my core. He didn't of course. I only had one person in my recent memory do that--which in my opinion was one of the most selfish things she could have done.
Each day I feel my heart opening more and more. Do I start to feel a little of the old patterns? Yes. However, I can quickly recognize them and feel strong in my new permanent change. I feel more and more in Love with myself on a different level. And that folks, is something no one can take away from me. Not even myself. There is no going back to the way things were. This is the whole new paradigm we are stepping into. Nay...we are in!
I have been getting downloads and messages like mad with my heart opening more. The flood gate is open! They are happening so fast that I am not even trying to grasp on to them anymore. The ones I am to be with and or share will either slown down or I will retain them so I can share with others.
I encourage each and every one of you to take a solid look at your most intimate relationship (other than the one with yourself, which comes into play of course) and take notice if you have any walls built. Not sure how to notice if you do? Take notice of your internal dialogue regarding the person or relationship. Still unclear? I would be honored to help you with those steps. I have first hand knowledge. ;-)
Until next time...
Do you have a garden? Or have had one in your past? Regardless if you have one or not, I am sure you probably know what happens when you plant a seed. It can grow (or not). The more you nurture it by watering it, fertilizing it, and showing it love, it will grow. The same thing can happen in our minds. A thought can be planted. We can be the gardener planting the seed or someone else could plant the seed. When someone else is doing the planting, just what kind of thought seed is being planted?
That's a really good question isn't it? How often does that happen in the world? I say pretty darn often. The media, parents, siblings, family, friends, politicans, doctors, preachers, thought leaders, spiritual gurus, actors, sports players, etc. The list could go on right? We are all planting seeds for each other....right?
Right. We are. Which ones do you nourish?
I am bringing this up because I am noticing a pattern within myself. I latch onto certain seeds that were planted by others that I cannot seem to let go. I am nourishing them when I don't want to be. There are two in particular that I seem to be unable to let go, even though I know they aren't my truth. They are especially brought up when I am feeling peace in my mind, body and spirit. The confrontational ego (yep...I am calling it that right now) likes to throw those seeds (thoughts) that aren't mine in to my thoughts. My body has a fight or flight reaction with the one. The other one brings the train of mind chatter that I must be doing something wrong..blah...blah...blah...and I start feeling my energy go down. Two very different reactions, however, the end result is the same.
They make me doubt myself. Do you ever have this happen? It really is maddening. I spend several hours a day talking to myself and reminding myself that they were seeds planted by others and not by me. They are not my truth. If they are at some point my truth, then my Michelle (my knowing, higher self) will let me know. When my knowing tells me things, I don't have reactions like that. I have to remind myself of that too. I feel like I am having a constant battle going on regarding this in my head right now.
This battle is very tiring and got old a very long time ago. These two seeds are just recent examples of the many battles I have faced over the years. I have had battles over things doctors have said that weren't my truth. Things, bosses, co-workers, friends, parents, etc., etc., etc., have said to me. It's beyond fucking old. Enough already! It's time for this merry-go-round to stop.
You may be asking how the seeds got planted in the first place?!?! They were planted by two different people that were the closest to me. The one I tended to trust their intuition before my own. The other one I didn't trust their intuition more than my own, but valued their opinion. As a matter of fact, I valued both of their opinions tremendously. Too much I would say. They both had their set of the crazies that came into play. AND...........IT'S NOT THEIR FUCKING LIFE!
*Start Reminders and Rant*
This is my life, I can live it however I want. It doesn't matter what their "intuition" is telling them. It is My FUCKING life! I say what is so. (yep, I am back to this....or should I say it has never fully left...ugh) There is no right or wrong way to live my life. I don't need to question my every move and wonder if it will meet up to someone else's standards. This is my life and I don't give a fuck if no one else understands why I do what I do, when I do it, or how I do it. Don't be a part of my life if you can't support me without interjecting your bullshit.
*End Reminders and Rant*
That ended up being more of a rant. HA! Oh well. It needed to come out. This is such a great reminder for me and for others. When you are going to plant a seed in someone's garden, check and see if you are in a place of love or at least neutrality when you are doing it. As I typed that sentence, this popped in. The felt like they were in that space. I can tell you that neither one of them were in that space. They may have thought they were, however, they weren't. The one was in a place of hurt and the other was trying to get me out of their life.
Back to the point of why I am trying to nourish those non-truths. The seed that aren't mine get nourished by my self- doubts and insecurities. I would have to say it comes back to my fully loving me. Loving myself, and my insecurities. That is how I can nourish my truth seeds. The only person who can get me through this is me. Can I have support along the way? Yes! Of course! We aren't meant to do this alone. However, the number one person I still need to turn to is Michelle and any of my peeps that arent in human form at this time. Also, to take those baby steps. It is good for me to have patience with myself too. The fact that I am still writing about this is a reminder that it may take longer for me to come to peace with things and that I need to love myself and have patience with myself. It is OK to take as much time as I need to. I am in it for the long haul with myself. I am only doing the best that I can. Ha! HA!
There is a voice that just popped in that said, "You have wasted majority of your life with this shit Nicole." Yep. Just heard that. So what if I take my whole life with this...."VOICE?" HA! HA! HA! I will end the ramblings of the inward crazies....However, I just wanted to share what most are probably afraid to share. The crazy voices. The ones that wear us down. Welp, I just called it on it's shit! HOW DO YA LIKE ME NOW VOICES?!?!?!?!?! That just made me laugh and smile and broke up the crazy voice. Thank you! Anything to help myself is ok in my book! ;-)
Until next time...
Well...let's just say that I had a pivotal experience this past weekend. I wouldn't call it a nervous breakdown. I came close to one of those in my history. This was more of a deep to my core breakdown. A shift in not only perception, but a shift and a repatterning of DNA. I shall bare and share with you. HA!
I am well aware that we can create much of our own suffering by our thoughts about events, people, experiences, etc. Sometimes it's hard to get yourself out of the pattern of suffering. It's especially hard when you are so steeped in it that everything you know to help you shift it just isn't fucking working! That is what happened to me a couple of days ago.
I was in this cyclical pattern of thought that was spiraling in on itself. As the day was progressing it was getting worse. The more I was saying, "I hear you, but let's look at it this way." The more it was getting louder and out of control. And then it happened. Just as I was about to put my head down to go to sleep. Before I even had a chance to take a deep breath and reflect on things I was grateful for....BAM! This one thought came crashing in. It was a notion that was...Off. The. Charts.
This is time it wasn't just my mind reeling. I was having physical reactions. My body literally was protesting. I was gagging, beyond nausea. I was shaking from the inside out. I got extremely cold. Even a blanket wasn't keeping me warm. My body was going into shutdown mode. I was trying to do whatever I could to get out of the spiral. I was beyond uncomfortable. It was the same feeling in my body I had when the so-called friend jabbed me for the second time, although this time it was more extreme. I finally broke down and texted a friend asking if they were still awake.
Thank goodness she was. At this point, I needed the support of someone to hold my hand and help me off the ledge. What a beautiful and amazing experience that was. I was sitting on the deck, in the dark, with fireworks going off in the distance (I don't believe in coincidences). She asked me several questions, and said several profound statements. WOW! That was all my brain needed to completely make realizations and shifts.
One major shift was, I was seeing all that I have LOST (instead of gaining) through this transition. Now granted, I do acknowledge I needed to grieve the loss and I did allow myself to feel all emotions that I associate with the loss. However, I noticed that there was a point where I went from feeling the loss, etc. and then staying in it not fully knowing how the hell to shift the perception of loss. How to shift the perception of the glass being half empty instead of overflowing. With the few trigger words she said, I had several awesome epiphanys. One of the biggest ones was that I have just created a clean slate for myself. Since I have been stripped down to pretty much nothing...I have my whole world to recreate how I want it! WOAH! How fucking awesome is that?!?!?! When I had that realization, I could feel a power and strength deeper and stronger than I have ever felt before. I recognize that this power is...ME.
What I also had come to me (which I knew but didn't know how to shift) was the need to look at the clean slate as it was--a clean slate! Not something tattered and torn, used and abused. That was my old way of looking at it. my old paradigm. With those insights, my body calmed down, I stopped quivering and I felt calm. It seemed as though I might just make it!
Another big one hit me. Everything ALWAYS comes back to, trusting myself. Trusting my intuition. Trusting my inner knowing. I recognize that in some ways I trust myself so completely and other ways, I have a lot of work to do. So....I have had lots of conversations out loud this week with myself. Asking myself ( a fabulous suggestion from my friend) "What do I know right now?" Especially when I start feeling anxiety or any other feeling other than my peace and serenity of my true nature. I did have extreme amounts of laughter the next day after the conversation I had with her. What popped into my mind was an older movie that I just love! What About Bob. I am taking baby steps just like Bob. HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!
If that is what it takes for me to completely trust myself, then so be it. It feels way more in alignment than complete lack of trust. It was such a huge lesson on a deeper level, that when I am speaking untruths in my head, my body protests. Granted, I have known how the mind, body, spirit and emotions are all connected, but for my body to show my so vividly as to what I was doing to her....oh my goodness! My poor little body! I don't want to treat her like that! Who wants to ever be treated like that?!?!?!?! NOT ONE SINGLE PART OF CONSCIOUSNESS. And EVERYTHING is a part of consciousness. Woah. That awareness just hit me on a deeper level as I am typing this. Tears are streaming down my face. Phew. So here's to baby stepping back to my truth, trust, and most importantly, LOVE. The LOVE of All That There Is. Clean slate here we go!
Until next time...
This journey called life is a very fascinating one. The perspective I have had of life for a very long time (over half of my life), is that it is really about knowing yourself more. Deeper. Loving yourself completely. Having the most intimate connection you can with yourself. Just when you think, "Oh yeah! I feel really connected with myself!" You find that you open up to deeper knowledge of and connection with--yourself.
That's where I am at right now. With all of the shifting that has occurred and is occurring in my life, I am connecting with myself in ways I have never thought possible. I have also always said, that no matter who you are, you can love yourself deeper. Boy isn't that the truth! And yep! I use the Love word. I tend to use the word quite a bit. We can use lots of other words for it, but it is the best way to describe what It (the Divine) is. Today however, I am using the word connection.
So connection. Or shall I say a re-connection is what it feels like I am doing right now. It is a re-connection on a deeper level than I have ever imagined. I am going to completely use myself as an example here, however, I think everyone will go through this in their way if they haven't gone through this already. I have been definitely connected with myself. As always, there are more ways I can wake up in my consciousness and awareness of the intimate relationship with me. Just when I wake up to a realization....I wake up out of it. It's never ending, that is why I say the relationship is deeper. I feel that it is deeper into consciousness. Oh....I will probably wake up out of that too. HA! HA! HA!
With this ever-evolving alliance, I have come to realize that it is a very complex relationship. Yet, it is so simple and I (and safe to say we as humans) have made it complex. I can look back and say, oh it was all of the beliefs and conditionings I was raised with or previous lives....blah.....blah...blah. I can do that, and it will keep in me in the victim mindset to the end of days. I am moving forward from here and recognizing it is simple. All there is to do is to listen to my intuition and act. Listen and act. Listen and act. As interactions with others and experiences bring up emotions, I feel them, and still listen and act. The relationship with me, my intuition (Higher Self), my body, my emotions, etc. Is the only connection that is of the utmost importance right now. All of the other external relationships are continuing to grow beautifully, as long as I make the relationship with me the priority. One way that I had mentioned last week for me is to recognize when my relationship with myself was not in balance, was feeling anxious.
I have known for a while now that I could use anxiety as a tool when something wasn't my truth. I have had anxiety my whole life, but it took me until I was an adult (and not that long ago) to get that it is designed to help me. Here's the newest awareness on the deeper level about anxiety. It is my intuition telling me that I am not listening to her. I am trying to get external answers or "figure it out" on my own. When I am feeling the anxiety about something or someone, I have started to check in with Michelle. I now have a conversation with her. Not a conversation with just my brain. I have done plenty of that in the past. I am talking about a conversation with Michelle. There is definitely a difference. My brain or ego if you will, will spout more jibberish back. It's Michelle that triggers the ego to start the jibberish if I am not listening to her. But what has happened is that I have cut her off and listened soley to the jibberish instead of recognizing she is the one that is trying to get my attention.
Yep. The trash talk believe it or not, is her trying to get my attention. Pretty crafty if you ask me. Now that I have recognized this, it has helped a ton! The jibberish doesn't last as long as it used to because soon after it starts, I engage in a converstation with Michelle. It's a really exciting notion that the jibberish will be completely gone (or at least to a minimum) if I listen and act. My body is really thanking me too, now that I am using the anxiety as a tool. I am going to try it with ALL emotions. Not just the uncomfortable ones. They are all here for us to be in relationship with to benefit from each other. Yep. Those at times painful and wonderful emotions use us too! HA! Sounds good as I am typing this.
I get it. I am a work in progress. A Divine masterpiece that I am continuing to work on for the Divine. Because isn't that what the Divine is doing through each individual expression of itself? Lovingly paint and build on the magnificent masterpiece that it already is? That really resonates with me. The Divine is expanding through us. This is the big picture of why we are here. To expand and grow the Divine. When we do it on the individual level the Divine is automatically doing it at the Divine level. HA! LOVE IT!
Here I go to be the masterpiece that I am.
Until next time...
"It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me, and I'm feelin' good!" Thank you Nina Simone for the lyrics. It does feel like a new chapter in my life. All of the recent experiences I have been going through have been HUGE blessings! As freakin' uncomfortable as they have been, I am grateful for each and every experience. AND....Now that I have experienced them, I don't need to go through them again...right?!?!?!?
I am finding myself still feeling extra - sensitive and quite vulnerable. However, I am also feeling that I have reached the crest of this wave, I stood up on my surf board and I am ready for the ride! I don't feel like I am getting pummeled by wave after wave anymore. WOO!HOO! Will another wave come? Oh probably, but I think I am gearing up towards my spring break. ( It's gonna be awesome if that is the case!)
There are residual feelings and emotions that I am expressing. I am allowing myself to feel all of them. Some of them are quite uncomfortable. In ways I feel like I have regressed. How I used to beat myself up with the negative head trash is rearing it's ugly head. What is unclear is that was it (the old patterns) always still there and I have been stripped away of all of the layers that was hiding it? Or is this a new form of consciousness that I have developed? Yep. Feel free to call me on the analyzing shit! 'Cause that's what I am doing right now! Sheesh. HA! HA! HA! It truly doesn't matter. The fact that I am conscious of it happening is the important aspect right now. I can consciously make the choice to use the tools that I have to help me shift the head trash into loving talk. Even that can be challenging. I know I have mentioned that before. The chatter gets more subtle, nicer. It can also just take you off the rails and you become unconscious to a certain portion of what you are saying to yourself.
*Start Extreme Openness*
The chatter has taken me to new levels of what I affectionately call the crazies. Highly intelligent conscious beings don't do well with idle time. At least that is what is starting to occur with me. I was reflecting on, as kids, our parents give us constructive things to do (so we aren't destructive) and allow our creativity and imagination to come out in the process. That is someone else instructing us. So what happens as we get older and we have to find constructive things for ourselves to do? I can tell you what happens to me. My mind starts to turn on me. Starts either nitpicking me and potentially nitpicking others. Very destructive behavior!
The crazies have been off the charts. It has ranged from having a "hangover" of guilt that I said too many negative things at a going away party, to taking a test to see if I have Asberger's. It also turned from reading up on the symptoms of being a narcissist to see if I am one and being down right embarrassed of me. Yes. You have read all of that correctly. Off the rails beating myself up. One rational thought did come into my head. The very fact that I am questioning is a good thing and if I was at one point any of those things than I am awake to it now and I could take steps to change the situation.
*End Extreme Openness*
What has come to me just now as I am typing is this; I am not fully using my gifts right now. They way I was before is probably only a fraction of how I said I wanted to share them when I agreed to come into this human experience. This is why it feels like a new chapter. I don't know how its going to look and show up yet. Maybe it is through my writing, speaking, singing, hands-on work, distance work, or a culmination of all of it. Maybe it will show up completely different. I am working on having the patience to ride this wave on my surfboard. To have the patience and TRUST. The hardest part is to let go of how I would like it to look and show up. I feel sadness with the letting go. Do I hold onto what I saw when I was a little girl? That I will be on a stage in front of a stadium full of people? Do I hold that vision since I was definitely in tune with that when I was a kid and not worry about the how? I like the sound of that. Do I let that go too?
As always, more questions. In the mean time until that comes to pass, I will ask and listen for something I can be constructive at so I don't become destructive to myself. Of course I will work on how to love myself deeper and more completely. No matter who we are, we can show deeper love and it first starts with us....AND...I will work with choosing to acknowledge the crazies and change the self defeating thought patterns.
Until next time...
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