A place to record all of the above.
A place to record all of the above.
With my Be Real journey, I am being vulnerable, open and raw (that is soooooo real to me). Here's the next thing I feel I need to express. I am finding myself with a fair amount of anxiety this morning. Most of you probably don't know that I have lived majority of my entire life in a state of anxiety. Even as a baby. My baby teeth were ground flat because of grinding them in my sleep. Yes, I am well aware of the saying, "if you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are in the present." Blah. I agree to a certain extent. I don't wholeheartedly agree like I used to.(that may change too) Here's why.
First of all, as a baby....do you feel I was living in the future? I don't think so. Was I having a hard time also feeling others emotions and energies? Definitely the case. Even as a young one I had a very hard time feeling others emotions. I had no clue what was going on fully, however, I did recognize that because I could feel others emotional states, I thought they were all directed at me. Because of certain things said and done to me at a time when "they" were feeling certain emotions.... I would take them personally. I developed a coping mechanism very early on of being a people pleaser and doing what ever I could to make them feel relaxed and at ease. Most of the time it has been acting extravagant or cracking a joke to make them laugh. Putting them at ease helped put my system at ease.
Now that I am an adult and I am aware of my coping mechanisms, it doesn't really make it any easier. I may not be acting extravagant or cracking jokes to make others feel at ease, but I am still gun shy and anxious with conflict or when others are feeling anger, disappointment, resistance and other emotions that are similar. Anger is the hardest emotion for me to feel in my body from others. Not all of the time am I shy and anxious with conflict, but today I am. It feels like I am not in my power. How did I let it slip? I have no clue. That is what I really feel anxiety is about. It is about my power. Letting my light shine in the world. Standing for what I feel is right now matter how someone else reacts. Speaking my truth no matter how it is perceived. Sometimes it is so easy and other times it is so fucking hard! I am not fully aware of all of the varying degrees which make up the state that cause me to feel out of balance from my power. Is it because of feeling others emotions so deeply? That is quite possible. *Here comes a rant.*
I have had several complete strangers come up to me and tell me that, as an empath, they can help me. They teach me ways to protect myself and blah, blah, blah. (All of the ways, to me, that keep us separate from our truth.)
I barely said two words to them. They assumed by me being quiet that I knew nothing and was asking for help.Their "Spirit Guides" told them to say something. They know more because they have been on their spiritual path for a long time and you need these crystals in your left hand and hop on your right foot...You need to go to my empath therapy group...etc. etc. What I really wanted to say to the people that have been doing this to me is "FUCK OFF." You don't know me. You don't know my path on the planet and why I am here. If I barely know it how can you even remotely know it? Your spirit guides told you.....do you even realize your spirit guides are you? And is that really your intuition or your ego HAVING to tell me this? I didn't ask for your advice or opinion. Let me be. If I want your information I will ask you. Spiritual Bullies come in all forms. I have met a lot on my journey. *End Rant*
Phew! What was the rant all about? Its great way to vent of course, but those scenarios did happen to me recently and as much as I got angry about what the people said/did, they are a fabulous reminder to speak my truth, own my power and bask in the glory of--ME. The amazing, beautiful, loving, compassionate masterpiece called Nicole. I am a piece of art in progress.
Back to the question of where and when I separated or suppressed my power. I could really analyze the shit out of it. I have been so good at analyzing situations and scenarios my whole life. Hell, I have been such a pro at it that I can analyze my analyzing. HA! HA! HA! Does it solve anything? Nope. It may bring me piece of mind temporarily, but is usually far from the truth of what IS. Analyzing brings me into the observer role yes, but also keeps me from feeling the emotions that there are to feel. I have needed to analyze why the feelings are there and come to a solution as to where they came from, whether from me, my experiences or someone else. That sure creates separateness doesn't it? It keeps me from truly feeling them doesn't it? Yesiree it does. Who cares who, where, when, what, why? There is nothing to protect myself from. There is nothing I need to keep myself separate from. There is nothing separate. I am an individual expression of God, however, to protect myself from other expressions of God sounds and feels quite absurd to me. Maybe there is a possibility that I am here to help others transmute those emotions. I wouldn't be doing it if I wasn't supposed to be in service to the planet--right?!?!
Where do I go from here with my anxiety? With feeling others emotions in addition to my own? With knowing analyzing doesn't work? Gosh! More great questions that are best covered with analyzing! HA! My conclusion in this moment is to recognize when I feel the anxiety, I am not basking in the glory of ME. For now, I will remind myself to bask, and be thankful that I notice stepping away from reveling in my awesomeness. Keepin' it real with myself...being real with myself and others...one step closer to discovering my reason for embodiment--knowing full well that once I recognize it, my journey doesn't end.
Thanks for reading. Stay tuned for more!
This is where I put the things that the Divine wants me to share at this time. :-)
If you aren't interested in sessions at this time, but are interested in supporting my work, enjoy the free content and would like more, please consider donating by clicking on the donate button below. I am eternally grateful.