Blog, Poems, Teachings
A place to record all of the above.
A place to record all of the above.
It may seem that I am doing a lot of complaining in these last blog posts. If you have clicked on any of my posts prior to my Be Real journey, you most likely noticed that most of it was teaching, light-hearted, about self-love, spirituality, etc. If you see it as complaining, then please feel free to stop reading them at any time. This is about me being real with me and you getting a glimpse into my journey. This is not about you in any way, unless you are the one's I am talking about. Maybe you will be able to relate to my journey, thinking, "My gosh! I have felt that too!". Maybe you just enjoy how I write, or maybe its for another reason all together. I have long fluffed my world and words so as to not offend. I am not doing that here. I will tell you this much. I am filtering a tad because if I didn't you would be reading the F word about every other word right now and that's not fun to read! :-) Here we go today. It's been brutal.
"Everyone's pointing their fingers. Always condemning me, And nobody knows what I believe!" Great lyrics to a song I am very connected to right now. That line resonates with my life at the moment. I feel like I have been a punching bag as of late. People assuming the shit out of who they think I am and should be and put their expectations on me. When I don't meet those expectations then they dump all over me. That's how my day started yesterday. WTF! I guess I really wasn't kidding when I said that I want a breather. A day would be more fabulous than an all expense paid trip to Hawaii. Although...a breather and an all expense paid trip would be outstanding! :-) Thank goodness I still have my sense of humor.
Seriously though. I guess I am strong enough for this shit but come on Universe! Enough already! I am not one that is a big supporter of the whole Law of Attraction concept. I have found that it is just another way to judge myself and have others judge me. After the experience that I had yesterday...there is absolutely no way that it was a complete mirror of what is inside me. No fucking way. I get that Michelle has a role in all of this, however, I had to have a conversation with one of the biggest Spiritual Bullies I have ever met. I said this before and I will say it again now. I AM DONE with the spiritual bullshit. I was told I am not spiritual enough by someone who doesn't know anything about me. Here's the damn theme again of standing in my power and speaking my truth. Let's talk more in depth about the spiritual bullshit again.
Let me just say that I feel more alive and spiritual than I have in a very long time. The fact that I have let go all of the spiritual should's and should not's makes me feel more connected to Michelle and the Divine. More than any spiritual practice I have ever followed. The human practice. That is what I see as being more connected with God than any practice I have ever come across. We are God. We are the individual expression of God. Hmmmm...but I am not spiritual enough. FUCK OFF. Go bully someone else who will be intimidated by your madness! It's down right silliness. The funny thing that has happened with the spiritual bullies I am talking about today is I accept them for who they are. I don't say they aren't spiritual enough. If they come into my life I do have boundaries and standards. Like this one: I won't be treated like shit because I don't fit into how you think I should be.
Here is the best part that I realized today. I used to network quite a bit with my business and be extremely nervous sharing what it was that I do (especially because I struggled with words for it). Even before my business I wouldn't really talk about my gifts because of getting made fun of, stoned, burned at the stake, etc. In the networking world, it was mostly mainstream business owners like plumbers, electricians, real estate, with the occasional massage therapists, chiropractors, and counselors. This is the hilarious part....are you ready for it?
The mainstreamers aren't the ones that have ever judged me! If they have, of course it was behind my back. It's the spiritual, supposed - to - be -your- comrades that have judged me. Hard Core to my face. Well, I guess you could look at it as they are doing it to your face Nicole. Yeah, talking shit about me and to me, all of the while nailing me to the cross. Crazy mother fuckers! Somehow they wrap it up in a spiritual package and call it speaking their truth. Feel free to add a WTF with me here. And they wonder why I can come off as a hard ass.
Sometimes I am told that I come off as a bitch at first, I am a hard ass at first. Guess what? I am upfront with you at the get go of where I stand with things. If you don't like it, there is the fucking door. Don't let it hit you in the ass. Or let it if you choose. It's your choice. That is what it comes down to. If you don't like how I am and how I stand for things I am passionate about, you have the choice to stay and honor that-- or you can go. The choice I will make for you is when you try to stay and change me to fit your rules--then you will go. End of story. I have spent too much of my life being in relationships with people who haven't honored me and try to make me be what they think is appropriate in this world. What does that ultimately come down to?
Me not honoring me. Me not loving me for who I am. I posted quite a few times in my blog prior to Be Real, about no matter who you are, you can love yourself more. I am really exposing how I can love myself more. Through all of this brutal growth, this in your face until you change it, I am honoring me. As wave, after wave, after wave, after wave pummels me into the surf and sand to where I can hardly catch my breath, I am forced to stand up even as the water feels over my head. I am forced to stand up for ME. For Michelle. For Nicole. For the little one that was continually told as a child to not be who she was. So what if the curse words come out? So what if people get pissed off or hurt? I need to honor all of me first. I am not out to blatantly attack someone, but I will stand up to ANYONE that tries to hurt, poke, trample or bulldoze any part of me and anyone I love. I will say it again. I AM DONE with the spiritual bullshit. And....now I am going to go there.
*Start Mild Rant*
In the spiritual world, the one where they are open to all religions, beliefs, the oneness, Source, Creator, etc., being in a box of organized religion is frowned upon. Not outwardly mind you. They talk a lot about the judgement of religions, fear based, etc. YET....that is the very same thing they are doing!!! "Oh I have to put up my protective light shield against any negative dark energy. I need to put on my crystals to protect me from the Jesus loving people that think I am sinning. What do they know? They believe in Jesus for goodness sakes! What did you do to create the cancer in your body? What Karma did you bring into this life to cause the abuse? You have only had 180 lives? Well, you are such a baby!" Shall I continue? Have you gotten my point? This all carries and does the same thing as far as I am concerned. It keeps us from being in our power. It keeps us looking for answers and power outside of us. So fuck all of that shit!
*End Mild Rant* ( I think the whole thing has been a rant ;-) )
Again, the more I am feeling all of the craziness that is called my life right now, the more I am understanding what true spirituality is. It's not to transcend the human experience. It's not to take the perspective of being above any human suffering, emotion, physical aspect, religion, person, animal, plant, species, and planet. It's to fully embrace them and move forward with all of it. Move forward with all of it in you. For it is in you. That is the oneness. So right now if anyone is trying to tell me I am not spiritual because I am no longer using the fluff....well...you can pound the sand next to the nice mound of sand I am standing on. It will do nothing to my glorious mound.
Stay tuned for more.
This is where I put the things that the Divine wants me to share at this time. :-)
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