A place to record all of the above.
A place to record all of the above.
Well...let's just say that I had a pivotal experience this past weekend. I wouldn't call it a nervous breakdown. I came close to one of those in my history. This was more of a deep to my core breakdown. A shift in not only perception, but a shift and a repatterning of DNA. I shall bare and share with you. HA!
I am well aware that we can create much of our own suffering by our thoughts about events, people, experiences, etc. Sometimes it's hard to get yourself out of the pattern of suffering. It's especially hard when you are so steeped in it that everything you know to help you shift it just isn't fucking working! That is what happened to me a couple of days ago.
I was in this cyclical pattern of thought that was spiraling in on itself. As the day was progressing it was getting worse. The more I was saying, "I hear you, but let's look at it this way." The more it was getting louder and out of control. And then it happened. Just as I was about to put my head down to go to sleep. Before I even had a chance to take a deep breath and reflect on things I was grateful for....BAM! This one thought came crashing in. It was a notion that was...Off. The. Charts.
This is time it wasn't just my mind reeling. I was having physical reactions. My body literally was protesting. I was gagging, beyond nausea. I was shaking from the inside out. I got extremely cold. Even a blanket wasn't keeping me warm. My body was going into shutdown mode. I was trying to do whatever I could to get out of the spiral. I was beyond uncomfortable. It was the same feeling in my body I had when the so-called friend jabbed me for the second time, although this time it was more extreme. I finally broke down and texted a friend asking if they were still awake.
Thank goodness she was. At this point, I needed the support of someone to hold my hand and help me off the ledge. What a beautiful and amazing experience that was. I was sitting on the deck, in the dark, with fireworks going off in the distance (I don't believe in coincidences). She asked me several questions, and said several profound statements. WOW! That was all my brain needed to completely make realizations and shifts.
One major shift was, I was seeing all that I have LOST (instead of gaining) through this transition. Now granted, I do acknowledge I needed to grieve the loss and I did allow myself to feel all emotions that I associate with the loss. However, I noticed that there was a point where I went from feeling the loss, etc. and then staying in it not fully knowing how the hell to shift the perception of loss. How to shift the perception of the glass being half empty instead of overflowing. With the few trigger words she said, I had several awesome epiphanys. One of the biggest ones was that I have just created a clean slate for myself. Since I have been stripped down to pretty much nothing...I have my whole world to recreate how I want it! WOAH! How fucking awesome is that?!?!?! When I had that realization, I could feel a power and strength deeper and stronger than I have ever felt before. I recognize that this power is...ME.
What I also had come to me (which I knew but didn't know how to shift) was the need to look at the clean slate as it was--a clean slate! Not something tattered and torn, used and abused. That was my old way of looking at it. my old paradigm. With those insights, my body calmed down, I stopped quivering and I felt calm. It seemed as though I might just make it!
Another big one hit me. Everything ALWAYS comes back to, trusting myself. Trusting my intuition. Trusting my inner knowing. I recognize that in some ways I trust myself so completely and other ways, I have a lot of work to do. So....I have had lots of conversations out loud this week with myself. Asking myself ( a fabulous suggestion from my friend) "What do I know right now?" Especially when I start feeling anxiety or any other feeling other than my peace and serenity of my true nature. I did have extreme amounts of laughter the next day after the conversation I had with her. What popped into my mind was an older movie that I just love! What About Bob. I am taking baby steps just like Bob. HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!
If that is what it takes for me to completely trust myself, then so be it. It feels way more in alignment than complete lack of trust. It was such a huge lesson on a deeper level, that when I am speaking untruths in my head, my body protests. Granted, I have known how the mind, body, spirit and emotions are all connected, but for my body to show my so vividly as to what I was doing to her....oh my goodness! My poor little body! I don't want to treat her like that! Who wants to ever be treated like that?!?!?!?! NOT ONE SINGLE PART OF CONSCIOUSNESS. And EVERYTHING is a part of consciousness. Woah. That awareness just hit me on a deeper level as I am typing this. Tears are streaming down my face. Phew. So here's to baby stepping back to my truth, trust, and most importantly, LOVE. The LOVE of All That There Is. Clean slate here we go!
Until next time...
This is where I put the things that the Divine wants me to share at this time. :-)
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