Blog, Poems, Teachings
A place to record all of the above.
A place to record all of the above.
I guess it never stops does it?!?! Of course I know the answer to that-- Silly! My growth never stops, whether I am in human form or not. I feel so advanced in some areas and such a baby in other areas. I am guessing others feel this way too...at least from the feedback that I have gotten over the years. Not that it matters to me. I could be the only one on the planet that feels this way and I won't tell myself it is wrong for feeling this way. It is how I currently feel about certain areas of my life. This post may come across as victimy, but that doesn't concern me either. I am sharing my deepest thoughts surrounding this topic.
This has been the hardest post to write thus far. I have found myself putting it off for days now. The very fact that I am sharing with you about vulnerability is feeling very vulnerable. HA! I am also feeling a very stronger push to share with you as it will help me process what I am feeling and going through surrounding vulnerability. Lots of the "V" word going on right now! HA! HA! ON....WE....GO....
Through this transition I have been going through, I have felt the whole gamut of emotions. Being with the flow has been quite a ride! One thing I have definitely noticed with feeling raw, exposed and ripped wide open, is that I have been in a pretty vulnerable place. I am ok with being in that tender place, however, what I am not ok with is someone kicking me when I am in this space. Twice. Maybe even more times but two are sticking out in my mind. The person that has done this is one that has been close to me. It's pretty fucked up from my perspective. Do they realize they are doing it? Maybe, maybe not.
They have claimed it's their truth. Could very well have been, however, the timing they had was impeccable. The two times they did this, it was perfect timing when I was 100% raw, open and sobbing. Not closed off at all. Again, they said it was their truth, but not mine and in one case, it was supposedly about me but really had nothing to do with me. As I said before, Fucked Up! What is even more interesting is then they kicked me to the curb. Not the other way around. The told me to pound sand in a "fluff" way. For the most bizarre excuse I have ever heard. How does that work?
Wow, pretty selfish. Have I ever been selfish like this? Quite possible, however, I now know that I won't do that to anyone as I continue along my journey. I am not going to analyze where I could have done that in my life and beat myself up for it. It is hard not to take that shit personally. Logically, I KNOW it had NOTHING to do with me. Emotionally, (maybe you could say my little girl inside) Is hurt by those actions.
I am now left reeling. What the hell just happened? Trying not to analyze the situation is really tough. Especially when I feel hurt about the whole situation. I am here to pick up my own pieces. Which, for the first time in my life, feels really good to rely on myself for this. I am learning to process the emotions in a different way too. Different than I ever have before. There are lots of things that are rolling through my head right now. One for example, how do you allow yourself to be open, vulnerable and trust knowing that could potentially happen again? I know, I know, that's an age old question and why most people close their hearts off. That's not what I want to do. I know it shuts us off from love when we do that.
This is where I come to the conclusion of boundaries and trusting myself. I can always be wide open with myself and trust me. I am the only person I need that love from. I can and will set boundaries with everyone who is in my life currently and who will be coming into my life in the future. This also comes back to me trusting myself enough to know when my boundaries have been breached and then act on my behalf. I do realize that I am not doing this alone either. I have Michelle ( my Higher Self, see previous blog posts where I go into detail about her) with me. She is my number one fan. She is guiding me through all of this. I am so grateful that I have the connection with her.
I also feel waves of connection from the angelic realm. Yahoo! Most of my peeps are not in human form. I am becoming comfortable with this. For most of my life I have looked to others in the physical for that connection, when in fact, those aren't my true Soul Family. Is there a connection with those I have come in contact with? Of course! It doesn't mean they are my family.
I am also working on closure within myself. I don't know if there will ever be closure in the physical. I am working on finding that peace within me to be ok with not getting that chance to speak my truth. If I get to, great! I am not expecting or even anticipating the chance. There have been many instances that I have not been able to have closure for various reasons. My humaness wants to be able to voice it, and my knowing says, it is all energy and it will get to them regardless of whether it is face to face or over the phone.
Finally, I am journeying towards peace within myself. Thank you so much for reading as I go through this process. Maybe you can relate, maybe not, but at the very least you can gain the awareness that this goes on, even with awakened beings. Hopefully we will all wake up out of this eventually.
Until next time...
This is where I put the things that the Divine wants me to share at this time. :-)
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